I think the next thing I’ll be posting here…

Will be stuffed chicken breasts.

I don’t have the razorblades to post it tonight tho, because dinner was a fucking glass of milk.

Lemon Jam Biscuits from Everyday Happy Herbivore

Yes I know that sounds twee as fuck but there’s great vegan food out there, do not judge because of some loudmouth assholes ok? These biscuits were goddamn fantastic with some strawberry jam.

• 1 c whole wheat white flour (I used whole wheat, white pastry)
• 1 t baking powder
• 1/2 t baking soda
• pinch of salt
• 1/4 c unsweetened applesauce
• 1 lemon
• water

1. Preheat your oven to 350 F and grease up a cookie sheet.
2. Mix the dry ingredients well. Sifting is best.
3. Add in apple sauce, stirring until it looks pebbly and chunky.
4. Add in zest and lemon juice from the lemon. I used a big lemon cos I like shit LEMONY. obviously don’t get seed in this, stir lightly a few times.
5. Add in water 1 T at a time. It took me 3 T to get a wet consistency. YOU DO NOT WANT RUNNY. YOU WILL NOT NEED MORE THAN THREE, unless you are using freaky fucking flour.
6. Drop the biscuits into four equal lumps on the sheet. It says five but that’s a stupid number. Do four.
7. I didn’t shape them because I like ugly biscuits. But you can if you insist.
8. Bake for 10-15 mins, till bottoms are brown but the biscuits are firm.
9. Slice in half, fill with jam. OM NOM.

These biscuits are like, around 100 calories or so each without the jam. So not so bad, if you care about something like that. You can also sprinkle sugar on top, eat ‘em plain, whatever you wanna do to spruce them up. I’m really happy with how they came out, and I’ll be making them again.

Wild Mushroom Quiche

• 2 T unsalted butter
• 3/4 cup finely chopped Vidalia onions
• 6-7 oz crimini or shiitake mushrooms, or whatever other mushrooms you’d prefer to use, sliced thin.
• just shy of 1 t salt
• 1/2 t fresh ground pepper
• 1 9 inch pie shell (made yourself or store bought- whatever you do, this recipe is for a deep dish pie, or a 10 in would probably work. 
• 4 eggs
• 2/3 c heavy cream
• a few grates of fresh nutmeg
• 1/4 cup of cheese or so
• 1 psc bacon if you wanna be ridiculous

Preheat your oven to 400 F.

Use a cookie sheet or baking sheet to put the quiche on, you don’t want a boil over with egg stuck all over your oven floor.

1. Melt the butter in a medium to large skillet, over medium heat. Dice up the bacon if you’re using it. If you’re not, then just add in the onions. Add the bacon before the onions if you’re using it- you wanna let that render before adding in the onion.
2. When the onion’s translucent BUT NOT BROWN, add in the sliced mushrooms. Let those cook about 4 minutes or so. Season the mix, but don’t over do the salt. ESPECIALLY if you are using bacon!
3. Arrange the mushrooms and onion mix on the bottom of your pie shell- if you’re using a premade one you don’t have to cook it. For a made from scratch I’d blind bake it for at least 10 minutes or so just to be safe.
4. Mix the eggs and cream, nutmeg, salt, pepper here; I taste my mix a touch to see if the salt’s right. It is not gonna kill you to taste some raw egg, seriously. Get over that shit.
5. Pour the mix over the other shit that’s already in the pie shell. Cover with grated cheese- I used havarti because it’s what I had. I think, personally, mild works best here, to let the mushrooms and onions come through. You don’t have to use the cheese, if you’re concerned about richness or extra calories. But I’m telling you it’s fucking delicious.
6. Bake the quiche ABOUT 25-30 minutes. You need to check that shit. It really, seriously depends on your oven. You want the middle to be a TOUCH wiggly, but not very much. It should be slightly firm to the touch, there should be no liquid moving around and shit.
7. Let the quiche cool a good half hour before you cut it. Or be like me, cut it in five minutes after putting it in the fridge, and accept that it’ll not hold as well as if it had sat.
8. This goes GREAT with a small side salad, as a light dinner or a lunch.

The original recipe was from “Quick Fix Southern” and I had to fix it, because I don’t want a skinny ass little ‘tart’. I want a fucking quiche. With silky, quivery egg. Begging me to eat it.

Yes.

As a note: not all folks can get vidalias. A SWEET onion will do. You need sweet onions for this recipe. For serious.

The Best Blondies Ever

This recipe is originally from Pam Moxley, who is basically the best pastry chef I’ve ever known. She’s epic, and so are these blondies, and I am making them right now to take to my boyfriend’s family tomorrow. 

• 2.5 cups AP flour
• .5 tsp baking soda
• 1 tsp salt (pref sea or kosher!)
• 8 oz butter, divided in half.
• 3/4 c sugar
• 3/4 c brown sugar, dark
• 2 eggs
• splash of vanilla
• 1 c ground nuts (she uses hazelnuts, I am using almonds cos it’s all I got)
• 7 oz milk chocolate, chopped

NOTE: feel free to mix up the mixin’s.

1. sift the dry together: flour, b. soda, salt.
2. melt 4 oz of butter in a pan. add the brown sugar. whisk until well blended and melty. this is fucking important, so don’t skip it okay?
3. take the OTHER butter, and mix it with the white sugar, creaming-method style in your mixer.
4. Add the eggs, one at a time.
5. Add the vanilla splash.
6. Add in the warm sugar mix. This is what keeps them nice and chewy, here.
7. Add in the flour mix, do it in about three additions, do not over mix, and be sure to scrape the bowl so things mix properly.
8. STIR IN the mixins.

pour batter into a well greased glass or metal pan, I use a half hotel pan, which… oh, I’m sure a 9 X 9 or so will do, but you can change that up. You don’t want them too thin, because they they won’t be chewy.

Bake in a 350 degree oven, and check them at about 20-25 mins. You will probably need to cook them a little more than that. CHECK THEM. IF they’re still gooey in the middle they ain’t done. Common sense and all. 

German Chocolate Cake

Chocolate Buttermilk Cake

• 1 # sugar
• 1 c canola oil
• 2 eggs 
• 1.5 t vanilla
• 5 oz sour cream
• 5 oz cake flour
• 3.5 oz cocoa powder
• 6 oz ap flour
• 25 g baking soda (sorry guys, our recipes are more specific than home cook recipes)
• 2 t salt
• 1.25 c buttermilk

1. Cream sugar, oil, eggs, and vanilla
2. Add sour cream, scrape sides of the bowl well.
3. Sift the dry ingredients together.
4. Alternate dry and buttermilk into the bowl, starting with the dry and ending with the dry. Scrape well between mixings, but do not over mix!
5. Bake in two 9’ cake pans (you can just roughly estimate the amounts, or you could weight them out, which I did not do, so… yeah.) at 350* F; check them at 25-30 minutes. Bake until a toothpick inserted near center comes out dry.

German Chocolate Frosting

• 2 c sugar
• 2 c cream
• 4 yolks
• 6 oz butter
• 1/2 t salt
• 1 t vanilla
• 2 c ground, toasted pecans
• 2 c UNSWEETENED coconut

1. Bring the sugar and cream, and salt to a boil. Temper in the yolks (whisk well, don’t let it sit or you get scrambled eggs!) Cook till thickened, then add in vanilla, pecan, and coconut. When mixed well, finish off with butter, and stir till all is combined.
2. Pretty easy shit, huh? When it’s cool, and the cake is cool, proceed to frosting the cake. If you wanna get REALLY FANCY:

Ganache for top and middle of cake

• 9 oz Dark chocolate, 70% or more is preferable
• pinch of salt to taste
• 1 cup cream or so

melt the two together, and do not get any water into the bowl. now, some people would add sugar to taste. That’s fine, but really, I don’t do that. I don’t like my cakes and frostings ubersweet. That’s why I am telling you to use unsweetened coconut. Trust me, you’ll thank me later. 

This cake recipe was given to me by Pam Moxley, the pastry chef at Miller Union. She’s a fucking bad ass, so… this cake is fucking bad ass, and is probably my favorite chocolate cake ever. It is rich, dark, chocolately, and well balanced. No sicky sweet bullshit here.

Perk up your okra.

• 2 cups fresh sliced okra (or frozen), washed
• 1/2 cup sliced cherry tomatoes
• 1/4 a large yellow onion
• 1/2 a habenero, diced (or more if you really need it)
• splash of apple cider vinegar
• water
• salt
• pepper

1. heat a splash of oil in a pan; when hot, add in onions. saute till slightly transparent. add in habenero (be careful, or you will get a face full of pepper fumes), saute for a few seconds, then add in the okra and a splash of apple cider vinegar and enough water so that the okra doesn’t burn on the bottom. 
2. cook all these things together for about 5-7 minutes or so, until the okra is tender enough for your liking, or if you are really southern just cook the shit out of it.
3. season to taste and enjoy.

This shit is DELICIOUS.

Like gin? No? Well drink this anyway.

• 1 six ounce bottle of Fever Tree ginger ale
• 2 shots elderflower liquor (I used Thatcher’s Organic, but St. Germain is also an excellent choice)
• 1 shot gin (I’m using Cold River Gin)
• 1 wedge lemon

mix, squeeze in lemon, garnish with lemon, and drink. It has a lovely herbal, floral flavor, and the combination of elderflower and ginger is becoming a favorite of mine.

Lasagna.

Whipping up a batch of lasagna to get us through a few days without me cooking. It’s turkey with spinach pasta, and here is the rough recipe (really seriously lasagna is fucking easy, so these steps can be altered to suit your tastes.)

• 1 lb ground turkey (I’m using Italian sausage style, and it’s mildly spicy)
• 1 pkg pasta, cooked per instructions.
• 1 sicilian eggplant or 1 medium fancy eggplant or about two-3 chinese eggplants and I’m not listing any more fucking eggplants here
• 1 cup thin sliced button or crimini mushrooms
• 1 head of garlic, avg. size
• 1 large zucchini 
• basil to taste
• 1-2 medium bell peppers (I’m using two cos one just needs to go and I’ll have to cut the bad spots out)
• 1/2 onion
• olive oil
• salt
• pepper
• red pepper flake
• oregano
• tomato sauce of your choice
• grape tomatoes
• grating cheese of your choice (I am using peccorino)
• mozerella
• ricotta

Ok, so I know that seems like a whole bunch of shit. But trust me, this is worth it. Lasagna that is good has a whole bunch of shit in it. Vegetables ARE your friend.

1. First thing, turn on your oven to 275 F or so. 
2. Slice the eggplant thin, but not paper thin. You want it to have some substance. Lay it out on a sheet pan, lightly oiled or foiled, and sprinkle with salt, red pepper flake, and olive oil. Roast that shit real slow till it’s nice and done. 
3. Throw the peppers in the oven. Or if you have a gas stove top, set them on it with the fire up and roast ‘em that way. When the skin is blackened wrap them in plastic for a bit, it will steam off the skin, and you just pull it off. DO NOT RINSE YOUR PEPPERS THIS IS STUPID AND TAKES OFF FLAVOR SO DO NOT DO IT. 
4. Put garlic clove in oven resistant pot, cover with olive oil, and let that shit cook off till tender and fragrant. 
5. You can do all these things at once. Some will finish before others. I would check the eggplant after about 15-20 mins, and if it looks done, take it out. You want it to be tender and have a nice look to it, not all white and starchy. The peppers are done when they are tender, as well, and that goes for the garlic. Just watch your shit. It isn’t hard.
6. Meanwhile: slice up onions, slice up mushrooms, chiffonade basil. Go you! 
7. Brown off the meat and drain any fat. Season the meat as it cooks if needed.
8. When you’re ready to put it together, get a big pot of cold water + kosher salt to taste to a rolling boil. Cook the pasta sheets until they are al dente, which can be 3-7 minutes or more, depending o nthe pasta. Fresh pasta takes about 3 minutes.
9. Lay the pasta noodles out so they’re not sticky and hot and in a ball, that’s not good. I mean it. Oil them lightly to help with this.
10. Oil the bottom of the pan you are using for the lasagna. I prefer to use a glass casserole dish.
11. Cover the bottom with a single layer of noodles. NOW: 
12. Spread tomato sauce to cover the noodles. Add a layer of eggplant, a layer of peppers, sprinkle the meat… you get the point. Don’t blow your load in one layer. Just make sure it’s even. Now sprinkle it with shredded mozzerella, and the ricotta here and there (good luck sprinkling ricotta that shit don’t sprinkle any more than yogurt does)
13. Repeat the process until you run out of stuff. Usually that’s like three layers. The top layer gets a nice coating of cheeses, finished off with the hard grating cheese. I’m being fancy and slow roasting the grape tomatoes with basil to add to layers, but that’s not necessary.
14. Do not cover the goddamn lasagna in cheese. You want enough cheese to taste and to mingle the flavors, but it does not need to be drenched in several cups of cheese. The other flavors are going to get lost. If you want cheese and noodles make some damn macaroni.

Enjoy with a nice fresh slice of Italian bread and some salad. I know I’m going to.

THE CAKE

the layers in the christmas cake: two red velvet layers around a layer of my awesome fucking cheesecake.

the icing is a French buttercream with an additional 8 oz of cream cheese whipped into the plain/vanilla base. obviously, i used food coloring for the decorative piping. btw, piping room temperature cream cheese is fucking hard, okay, so don’t hate.

Puppy-Safe Birthday Cake

Found the original version of this on AllRecipes.com. I’ve tweaked it a little for Loki’s preferences.

• 1 egg
• 1/4 c peanut butter
• 1/4 c vegetable oil
• 1 t vanilla
• 1/3 c molasses
• 1 c finely shredded carrot- I used a zester because I don’t have a fucking microplane yet
• 1 c whole wheat, unbleached flour- a non gluten flour would probably work here if your dog’s wheat sensitive
• 1 1/2 t baking soda

1. Mix the wet together, beating until the peanut butter’s combined well with everything else. If your dog prefers some other sort of shredded veggie or fruit, you can sub it for the carrot. My dog fucking loves carrot, apple, and mango, personally.
2. Sift the flour and the baking soda together and add into the wet.
3. Spoon the mix into cupcake papers in a cupcake tin, or, you could use a regular 8-9 inch pan, but really, cupcakes are a little easier for a dog.
4. Bake at 350 F for approx 20-30 minutes or until done inside. We’re still testing this part out.

I’ve gotta say, the batter actually is pretty good, if not a little bland. I’m either going to frost loki’s pupcake (see what I did there?) with peanut butter, or with a peanut butter-egg white mix. We’ll see what happens, and I’ll add to this when I get the results.

Loki is ESSITE right now. I told him the mix was for him and he got all anxious and started running around.

red velvet cake. recipe coming if i’m not hammered.